Today I do not have any work. That is – no compulsion to achieve anything specific… and…no active contract ;-). Unlike a little over three years ago, I am okay with it. Not afraid of over expending my energy. Not in fear of another anxiety attack. Just at rest. For whatever reason that maybe, even if it is a subconscious lie that I am telling myself, I am grateful for where I am.

Of course, to my chagrin, I am feeling driven to work – oddly enough to finish the project that is on hold. Simply because I have found pride in that work. It is a good retreat. As in the past, with projects that this group has put on hold, there is potential that is not being taken advantage of.

People could be benefitting from this thing that we are creating – if only we had the courage to do so.

And yet – it is stalled. This is not human-centered design. This is obsessive perfectionist business-driven thinking. In this case especially moot as there is around a 30% chance of truly being able to predict what will be successful. Not enough for decision making – only general guidance. It is not like making art for the Salon Carré in France in mid-century 1700’s. This art is the type, as it is begotten from, must ride on faith. And it is difficult to project manage faith. Such is the ambiguity of creative endeavors.

At the same time, I see it is time for exploration. Old passions are rediscovered, for art, for history, for having interest in that which may not directly contribute to knowledge required for my work. My real passion for work is surfacing. Healing for having been put on a time clock in lieu of a celebration digest. An understanding of what it really means to live in the vision of what I started this whole cycle on. Freedom to be happy. MY definition of happy.

Who is to say what it mean for me to remain in health, to do my best work, to make by best contribution? For too long I have bought in to looking at everyone else’s lives for clues. This because I did not have the means to develop my concept at a young age. At least, so I had thought. But alas, clearly I did, and yet never had the courage to figure out how to get there.

When I spotted this sticker ensemble I just couldn’t avoid the irony.  I cannot even describe it in words, though it seems to sound a little like this, “You are enough”, “But ARE you?”…. The essence of that not so little gargoyle that (to quote the beer) represents an aggressive defiance of tradition but somehow also harkens back to the true history of the gargoyle, literally meaning throat, as a symbol to ward off evil.  So arrogant bastard or protector?  You take your pick.

This morning I found it because, out of everything I have on instagram, it best represents today’s sentiment, “Do I want to live the dream or for a dream?”  Undeniably, both are an option, but I feel as though we get caught up in one or the other and, worse, sometime find ourselves living in or for someone else’s dream. Bleh to that.

That gargoyle becomes either the arrogant bastard who has suckered me into believing his (her?) dream is the only sun to revolve around.  I gravitate to this like bears to honey, “Oh bother! People say nothing is impossible but I do nothing everyday.”  Nothing for me that is.  In fact, I am having to work hard to figure out where I misplaced my love at, is it in that honey jar – just above my head where I cannot reach it?

You know what I’m talking about, living in or for someone else’s dream while forgetting to have your own is comfortable… excepting that pesky itch that you cannot quite scratch, well, cause you cannot find it.  It just lurks in your psyche until, one day, you get hit hard enough with something and it all becomes clear again. And, oddly enough, it is your arrogant bastard that sometimes emerges as a result. The one with a throat – voicing with vehemence, “you may be enough but THIS is not enough.”  Kicking and scream with you, at you, whatever…until you cannot deny the bruises.

Find your dream.  Find your love. Honestly, living the dream is sort of an impossibility just like, sorry Pooh, doing nothing everyday is – without a dream that feeds your soul.