It feels good to do something sweet.
Orchestrating an experience is definitely one of my favorite activities. And this time I am trying to just relax and enjoy the experience. HMPH. So hard for me.
I am so much the planner. lol.
Maybe I will add photos here later.
Saturday night I felt it lift. My system was in complete turmoil. Like it was trying to expel every last content. For me, the emotions that seem to inhabit my belly like a parasite consuming me from within.
Then I woke up and I could breath. I cannot really explain it other than the way you feel when a fever breaks and you start to see clearly again.
Oddly, this occurred as the Guru Moon came into fresh being. So I had to research. I did not know that this full moon known to westerners as the Buck or Thundermoon, as our culture revolves around agriculture – also is known as the Guru Moon.
The full moon/lunar eclipse is in the area of the sky called Purva Ashadha, a star of Lord Ganesha, the Hindu elephant god who has the ability to destroy the most stubborn obstacles. (https://www.anandastrology.com/lunar-eclipse-full-moon-of-the-guru-guiding-light-vedic-astrology)
Ahh. My old friend Ganesh.
Several years ago I considered moving back to Maine. I had planned a trip to Maine for a month, in part to see family and my childhood home and, in part, to clear my head from the overwhelming influence of my then partner whom was beginning to feel dangerous to me.
I took my usual morning walk to the beach. Squid played and I contemplated. We spotted a large piece of driftwood and I sat down on it to discover a small ocean worn clay statue of Ganesh. Immediately I knew I had found my travel buddy.
Obstacles. Everywhere. At least for me then. And definitely for me now. Some put in place by the world’s influence on me, but not without my own culpability in terms of perception and interpretation.
This time is no different. Letting go of old perceptions of what “should be”. Recognizing that my interpretations of current events are so heavily influenced by perceptions of what should be that, potentially, great beauty would be obscured and go unnoticed.
Remembering inner dreams and forgetting dreams imposed upon me.
Taking care of self.
When I think about taking time out to train animals again, my heart swoons. I have not given myself the space to even consider it as my mind was caught up in ‘career’ development.
It is difficult to straddle this line of who I am as a digital persona and who I am as, well, just me…. dirty fingernails, sitting in the dirt with a dog or a bird or playing with a pony.
This important part is that, for once (excepting the artist time with Wil), I am saying to myself, “This is what is RIGHT in front of you. Embrace it.” Fears aside, ideas of what I “should do” aside – FULLY embrace it with joy abundance and a sense of trust and safety.
This is why meditation. These changes do not always come easy for the mind even with the influence of giving honor to your spirit.
Today, I wake keenly aware that care of self and family must take precedence over perceived commitments to work. I am safe to focus within.
… or not. Have ton of work to catch up on. Wish I were walking the dogs in the back field. Kiki keeps yowling at me. I need a shower.
At least I have food this morning. Not the same as stealing eggs from under the chickens for breakfast though. LOL.
Being here is quiet. Different. Feels like a strange little vacation. I guess that is why it is so hard to get to work. But I have to.
Ugh. Nothing to say. Going to just stare at the Wysteria for a bit.
It’s been two months.
”How long are you going to be gone for.” My roommate had asked.
“I am planning for two weeks…but it is weird feeling like I am packing not really knowing how long I will be gone.”
Maybe it was PTSD from 911 when I left for Tahoe for one week, stayed for two and only returned long enough to gather my things, ship them to Tahoe and fly myself back.
It seemed easy enough to close my eyes and make that transition back then, though in retrospect I didn’t handle it 100% well. Do we ever?
Now I am heading back to Tahoe. Nothing really is boarded up in the towns up here. Everyone has a gun.
In my upscale area in SD – businesses are boarded up. I don’t want to see it. Dystopian landscapes are haunting.
I am worried the turkey eggs that I covertly snuck under the brooding chickens will hatch without me. I’d rather be here for that than anything going on in the city.
But also I am excited to see what is created here while I am gone. Everything is changing so fast and I am learning how to trust Claude as best I can to navigate his own landscape.
I need to pack now. More to come I assume. Going to check out some of the chicks down the street at the feed store before I leave. Maybe I will reserve some to raise when I return. Also – I need to research round pens.
Ps – Work said remote is permanent. Have decided then to sit tight and use the “extra” time to focus on creating and farm life. Better than making more $$ but also more stress and production pressure….
The nightingales are vocal this morning. Feeding their young.
Last night – dinner for two day two. Routines shifting. Claude was bored with the usual. It does get old. So we roasted a chicken on the grill. Note: keep the water in the bottom until the end. I was a little mad he ate his pie early without me… lol. It still felt like sharing. Of conversation, of eating, of duty. Still, a bit messy. Progress sometimes is perfection in itself.
We also stretched together. I walked on his back. ☺️ Massaged as best I could. Touch as healing. We both ache a little. Inside and out.
Sweetly rolled over this morning. 6AM. We know we both need to get up and get moving. I swear I smell coffee already brewing and, eyes still closed, search with my hand to find Claude. He is there. So who is making coffee? I guess me.
The brooding hens and I are developing out cheese for eggs exchange routine. The one with the shrill squawk is actually eating the cheese while I grab eggs. The other one is a bit shyer but also more docile about me grabbing eggs. I have to make sure to float the eggs now bc it is hard to tell how long they have been there. This morning there was a full-on floater. YIKES! Glad I checked.
The dogs and I walked at around 6:15. It is a nice time in the morning to walk. It is 7:30 now and I am sitting in the fly tent. We need a better name for it.
I burnt the bacon as usual – but we didn’t really like it since it was the jalapeño bacon that is not so great. Now I am cooking some country sausage to go with jelly and toast. The put dextrose in it which I am wary of…. but damn it is good. The jams are also quite good. I am sure that regular white sugar was used to make them which I mostly stay clear of (though it makes me think how often I disregard the ingredients used at my fav restaurants down south) – but again, there is a simple homemade fresh goodness to them. Hopefully the drinking the Suija green drink will help offset the effect on my blood sugar ??.
Okay – time to try to wake up and do some work.
I just want to try to write down these pivotal memories. It is a pivotal time not just in history but in our lives as well. We are learning how to actually be together. I am learning farm life. He is recalling the essence of his trade. To some degree, hopefully I am as well – both with the horses and the digital works.
Just trying to keep on trucking. ???✌️?
This morning, apart from a grumbly belly, the calm is most significant. I leapt out of bed because I recalled I wanted to get to the beach early to “sneak” in a walk.
But then I made coffee and sat in this fabulous chair, tried to find a book to read, and listened to Kiki’s nails as she walked back and forth between the kitchen and the bedroom. I think she needs to go potty. So I opened the door in the front and she let herself out after a bit. It is our first successful, “I need to go out to potty.” communication.
I just remembered why I do not need to rush to get up. State beaches are still open – so that is why Cardiff is open. So now I know what I can do today.
It is strange how, in a premonitory fashion, the elements of my nest came together prior to this event. Especially the whim to look on FB marketplace and finding the amazing chair – for free. It is seriously perfect. A place to sit that is not the couch nor the bed, or my desk chair. I can sit cross-legged in its squishing pouch with my laptop cradled in my lap. Or my ipad to read. Haven’t taken my notebook here yet, but I should soon enough. I need to get back to that habit so that I can monitor my health better.
Time to think about breakfast.
Oh, the silence. Almost – save the din of cars traveling on the freeway. It poured rain last night and when I woke up the mist in the air smelled divine. I thought it might be worth it to crawl out of bed and walk out into it. But I did not – the walk to the beach seemed too far and a walk in the parking lot not quite satisfying. Plus Squid seems to want to sleep in lately.
If I was up north walking outside would have been automatic. Increasingly, and counterintuitively, this #shelterinplace thing simply has me analyzing what I had reticence about – could I live in seclusion in a rural place – i.e. “the farm”?
The peace I find in silence – in non-movement – in solitude…is inextricable. Some voice inside me wakes up and says, “You mean this is okay?”. And from this, I am feeling quiet inspiration erupting.
Up there it would be okay, even sans pandemic. It would simply be daily life.
I am grateful for this time of mental space to read the news in the morning without the pressure of “when am I going to get ready for work” – of not really feeling the desire to be in the company of other but yet knowing that is my fate for the day and, while I will find it pleasant in the long run, my desire for peace in silence is overwhelming and I wish to honor it. Not for a day, or a weekend – but for a month – which I guess I have at least right now.
And then perhaps I consider what choices I make to maintain that.
The ladybug was on a balloon I found on the beach. Again a calling to the mysterious quest to eradicate stupid balloons killing ocean creatures. And it made sense. Since the design of the ring was based on the nymph rising. From freshwater in this case… cause I did indeed rise from freshwater. However, the sea became my friend. My guide. My sanctuary. The vastness of the horizon of the sea forever my way back to doing the best I could every day. The vision of which makes my heart at ease and yet I may need to leave. I am old and my skin is even thinner.
It reminds me of when I was in China. My travel companion – from Taiwan – lifted my hand and said – look no veins. I was sensitive to the work-hardened fists at the age of 24 – when so many women had these delicate lovely visages that I felt I could never achieve. To this day – my veins understand that I and my ancestors required much blood to go to my hands of work… since without them we would not have survived.
#findingpeace
It’s time to take a walk around town again. Loose ends are as tied up as is possible. Trust in the journey. And be patient.
This is a time I do not want to forget or have fade in memory. “We are here and we are not broke.” He said. How many damn years went by that were stifled by the latent feelings of being servants in town full of wealth (and pretense) that we could never hope to acquire. Or learned not to want to.
Sitting there on the balcony in that coveted hotel felt impossibly blissful. A true Cinderella moment.
Yet, cerebrally, I had been WELL past believing in the disempowering fairytales fed to us as young women. Ah, but it lingers, an undeniable legacy from the culture I was grown in.
So, when he came along and said, “I got you.” I said, “You do get me. And I got you.” Cinderella had been taking lessons from Felicity Smoke. Enough said.
Now the story feels different to write. Yes, Ali has lived one hell of a life. But then, he has equally so. It feels more like co-writing.
I’ve been getting too caught up in the image to go with the writing so please excuse the lack of austere.
As with the old “AliLovejoy.com” I am writing to preserve memories. To refer back to when I feel lost – or to gain perspective on that “today” that I come to when I say to myself – “what has happened?”. The writing needs to be just for the writing – not for anything else.
But now the words reflect a solid reality. One where the world I now live in embraces authenticity – unlike the one that fostered the whimsical cryptic writing of old. I guess now this could be the seeds of the book. At the least, I hope that this story is one of the fairy Ali. Not the lonely, scared and angry Ali. I can’t feel her anymore so I believe I am past those emotions. I hope I am.