The best and the worst

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Frustration, fear, beauty, discovery, freedom, discipline, self-destruction, healing; fuck this has been the most intense time.

From all control and lots of loneliness to feeling like there is not any control yet the loneliness still lingers – though I am with him.

I know I have to try harder. I know better than to let the story succumb to a perception of reality that is far too influenced by a heavy past and ideas about what ‘should’ be. And yet, sometimes things need to cycle through.

The constants… the new healing elements; the ocean has given way to happy dogs on walks hunting, to ever present birds chattering (hummingbirds are incredibly loud!), to watching chickens, to discovery in the back field, to random rural drives (well I had those before I guess… yet often alone and not a remote), to feeding the horses – to figuring out how love works here and now.

We go from glorious and tender to frustrated and volatile. But more and more, the former becomes stronger and the latter more reconciliatory – truthful and raw. Breaking in.

Morning writing spot.

Transitioning

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It has taken me almost four solid weeks to get my head straight. Fear has been my constant enemy and I nearly drowned in a cacophony of thoughts.

Do I have to let go? What am I letting go of? Is accepting dangerous? Why let go of something I put so much work into? What if…[enter countless negative outcomes]?

I have landed in a hybrid rhythm of farm life and just exactly what I would be doing if I were at the beach. I’ve reminded myself that the princess cottage is still there waiting for me.

I’ve also reminded myself about how lonely and unsettled I have been there. Living there had started to feel more and more like living the facade of a dream.

….and transitioning into the next dream had been on my mind for awhile.

This morning I made coffee and took the dogs for a walk around the property. It was lovely to watch Squid (and Butt) be happy and romp in the grass. Far far better than exiting out into the train parking lot to a beach that we cannot sit on at the moment. 🙂

I gathered some eggs, cooked some breakfast, did the dishes, made the kids (4 legged) their breakfast, and wrote this post. All before 8AM.

It’s been a good morning. I feel good. Now onto work.

Finding Peace in Silence

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Oh, the silence. Almost – save the din of cars traveling on the freeway. It poured rain last night and when I woke up the mist in the air smelled divine. I thought it might be worth it to crawl out of bed and walk out into it. But I did not – the walk to the beach seemed too far and a walk in the parking lot not quite satisfying. Plus Squid seems to want to sleep in lately.

If I was up north walking outside would have been automatic. Increasingly, and counterintuitively, this #shelterinplace thing simply has me analyzing what I had reticence about – could I live in seclusion in a rural place – i.e. “the farm”?

The peace I find in silence – in non-movement – in solitude…is inextricable. Some voice inside me wakes up and says, “You mean this is okay?”. And from this, I am feeling quiet inspiration erupting.

Up there it would be okay, even sans pandemic. It would simply be daily life.

I am grateful for this time of mental space to read the news in the morning without the pressure of “when am I going to get ready for work” – of not really feeling the desire to be in the company of other but yet knowing that is my fate for the day and, while I will find it pleasant in the long run, my desire for peace in silence is overwhelming and I wish to honor it. Not for a day, or a weekend – but for a month – which I guess I have at least right now.

And then perhaps I consider what choices I make to maintain that.