It feels good to do something sweet.
Orchestrating an experience is definitely one of my favorite activities. And this time I am trying to just relax and enjoy the experience. HMPH. So hard for me.
I am so much the planner. lol.
Maybe I will add photos here later.
There is the part of me asking “why this” soundly wrestling with the part of me that is soley governed by seeking freedom.
While millennials are being marketed freedom on the road, touring the yard in their Mercedes Sprinter, I am in an RV for an entirely different reason. As are many many people out there. So maybe I feel more akin to them at the moment. Necessity breeds invention so they say.
And yet I am not so different from either. One perhaps seeking the solitude of the only sound being the pitter patter of rain on the aluminum roof – a full sky of stars on clear nights – and perhaps just crickets or tree frogs at other times.
With all this rain I am starting to hear the frogs again. I wonder if they hibernate in the painfully dry months. Google will know.
The other – either grew here or transferred here to build a home with the same amenities. Namely – quiet and solitude. Slow. Social by choice I imagine, even for those involved in community. But then, fire.
Lost homes. Alternative: buy an RV while the rebuild takes place. Could take awhile. For some, RV life just becomes the new norm.
Since living here I have found that a multitude of my assumptions about “life outside of N. County” are shit. Perhaps a truer statement is that the ideas that I have developed, the notions, opinions, “boundaries” as is so the popular term of late, require some serious debunking.
And while it is nice to have to luxury of separating from “toxic” people, it is worthwhile to learn the patience to do your best to help them grow alongside you. Especially when they are the ones who are there with you and “here” is a more desirable place than “nowhere”. At least as you age. It may be that more often it is you that can’t handle them than they who can’t handle you.
So there you have it. The same, yet different. RV life. Compression. Rain pitter patter on the roof. Nothing but time to reflect. Maybe write. Spend actual time giving belly rubs to the dogs. The new proverbial cabin in the woods.
This morning I woke up at 5AM, put on warm clothes, stretched staring up at the (all) the stars, and put the greca coffee maker on the grill burner.
And, of course, I gave Button a couple of belly rubs while she purred her mastiff purr.
It’s probably around 55 degrees. It doesn’t bother me but I am reconsidering my LL Bean order. 🙂 I am grateful the heat has broken and I feel like moving around again. My body needs more “doing”. Since I got back from SD I’ve realized that the room for movement is what feeds my soul and eases my anxiety.
There is no right or wrong rhythm here. I am still adjusting. Yes, there are things that need to be attended to but so much that, well, if it doesn’t get done today then there is tomorrow.
Slowly, the lack of a sense of urgency is actually resulting in more and different productivity. As I write that I hate even that I still categorize it that way “productivity”, ugh. I am not a hamster on a wheel. That era is finished.
Some feelings through a different lens using simple language (as opposed to intrinsic vs extrinsic which was my knee jerk way of expressing the transition ?):
Unraveling layers of suppressed yearnings. >Discovering time in pockets like money in washed laundry. >Embracing space. >Living outside. >Bathing with tree frogs.
Saturday night I felt it lift. My system was in complete turmoil. Like it was trying to expel every last content. For me, the emotions that seem to inhabit my belly like a parasite consuming me from within.
Then I woke up and I could breath. I cannot really explain it other than the way you feel when a fever breaks and you start to see clearly again.
Oddly, this occurred as the Guru Moon came into fresh being. So I had to research. I did not know that this full moon known to westerners as the Buck or Thundermoon, as our culture revolves around agriculture – also is known as the Guru Moon.
The full moon/lunar eclipse is in the area of the sky called Purva Ashadha, a star of Lord Ganesha, the Hindu elephant god who has the ability to destroy the most stubborn obstacles. (https://www.anandastrology.com/lunar-eclipse-full-moon-of-the-guru-guiding-light-vedic-astrology)
Ahh. My old friend Ganesh.
Several years ago I considered moving back to Maine. I had planned a trip to Maine for a month, in part to see family and my childhood home and, in part, to clear my head from the overwhelming influence of my then partner whom was beginning to feel dangerous to me.
I took my usual morning walk to the beach. Squid played and I contemplated. We spotted a large piece of driftwood and I sat down on it to discover a small ocean worn clay statue of Ganesh. Immediately I knew I had found my travel buddy.
Obstacles. Everywhere. At least for me then. And definitely for me now. Some put in place by the world’s influence on me, but not without my own culpability in terms of perception and interpretation.
This time is no different. Letting go of old perceptions of what “should be”. Recognizing that my interpretations of current events are so heavily influenced by perceptions of what should be that, potentially, great beauty would be obscured and go unnoticed.
Remembering inner dreams and forgetting dreams imposed upon me.
Taking care of self.
When I think about taking time out to train animals again, my heart swoons. I have not given myself the space to even consider it as my mind was caught up in ‘career’ development.
It is difficult to straddle this line of who I am as a digital persona and who I am as, well, just me…. dirty fingernails, sitting in the dirt with a dog or a bird or playing with a pony.
This important part is that, for once (excepting the artist time with Wil), I am saying to myself, “This is what is RIGHT in front of you. Embrace it.” Fears aside, ideas of what I “should do” aside – FULLY embrace it with joy abundance and a sense of trust and safety.
This is why meditation. These changes do not always come easy for the mind even with the influence of giving honor to your spirit.
Today, I wake keenly aware that care of self and family must take precedence over perceived commitments to work. I am safe to focus within.
This is an important point in my history. It is the first time in a long time that I felt the need to pause and take care of me. And I did.
The heron, the “Blue Cottage” that had a cancellation just at the moment that I was looking for a space of repose and a firm craving for chocolate have all merged into an unknown sensation free of flight or flight urgency.
The quiet here is that which I have been craving. It is as much a feeling as a sound. It seems as much a part of this community as even this family’s homestead.
I should say — for my own memory – that I am staying in the “Blue Cottage” Airbnb in Oregon House. I drove out the dirt road it is off from last night and met many deer, horses, and cows and such. Hunting does not seem to be a thing here. At least that is what the animals told me.
I have been waiting for this feeling to take over for a good bit. It sounds like:
I graciously accept this opportunity to enjoy a day of exploring my inner landscape in this beautiful space. It is quiet and serene. Here I find a special glow of self in solitude for a moment.
Me
I am not fond of the term but there is that sense of having given myself permission (finally). “I have done enough”. But also that I have support. “Yes baby you have. Take a minute to breath.”
Priceless.
Well – there goes another two weeks. Oh – nope – actually over a month.
No wonder why the urge to write has become more than just pressing.
Another shift has happened. The timeframe within which I had place much anticipation and fear has nearly passed… and he is calmer and kinder as well. So my anxiety has also passed and I am able to feel again.
The animals are a dearer and dearer to me. Not as an escape but as a desire I had long suppressed. It feels freeing to give myself permission to embrace my love of connection with them.
Next up – the ponies. I hope sooner than later.
Something has certainly cycled through – work does not seem so much like work. Life seems to balance easily with work. There is less stress of Friday night parties (gatherings). I am not bothering to worry about more than it is worth it to worry about.
Lots of disparate thoughts – I am hoping for some creative time this weekend…. I want to share that part of myself.
All the fight has finally left me…or did a number of days ago.
I have stopped and don’t care the consequence of of doing so.
This is the first time. It started happening during a period when I was pushing through several projects and lost the one support I had. And I started to give up.
“I can’t do this.” Then, “I won’t do this.” Then, “I will self-destruct.”
That was the mental. But the physical was another game. Before I would even acknowledge that I was overwhelmed, my body started screaming for a reprieve.
But, without support, I genuinely felt like that stopping. I mean REALLY stopping – the.whole.damn.show. But the show must go on, yes? So I took solace in candles, spa days, and my luckily quiet early morning meditations on the beach… which sometimes became fervent beginning sessions for the universe not to abandon me.
I should not have ignored the physical symptoms though. Therein lay the importance of support. From the outside often what you are in denial of is plenty blatant to others.
But not always. Sometimes it takes a spear embedded in your gullet. And then, finally, someone turns to you and says, “Oh fuck – are you all right?”
Not their fault, some of us are just pros at hiding our fight.
“No I am not. Will you kindly help pull this thing out of me?”
So today, I have stopped and, post self-destruction attempt – am really focused on self-healing…in a place I thought it might be impossible in.
And I am grateful for the response.
On July 4th it felt as if I had a severe fever that broke. I woke in the middle of the night with a sigh and just knew. It sounds rather woo woo ish but that is the literal description of where I was…
The week prior my body (maybe my mind) was in full revolt. Couldn’t eat. Barely could sleep. Sympathetic nerve system was on hyperactive duty. It was beyond uncomfortable. And, to be honest, not the first of these episodes. Hopefully the last??
The funny thing about surrender is that it asks a bunch of questions and ends with making decisions. Adjusting subconsciously if the conscious mind is far too stuck and unwilling to mind the questions.
There is not any room for speculation for change in the future. It is coping with the acceptance of this is what is and the creativity of recognizing new paths to action that makes it livable.
So surrender is not subjugation in this context.
I may cook, but on my time and if you don’t eat…. well.
Setting a boundary with action and without words. You have decided to be a smoker. Then I don’t hang out with you because it is unpleasant for me. And that sucks but I cannot change you. And also you cannot change me. Still a battle of desire. For me one that is unavoidable.
That reminds me of my youth. The horses were the boundary, like my horses or get gone. (lol – da da ding ding ding ding ding ding???). Now it is my health. (??♀️???♂️)
That reminds me of listening to Bobbie across the way this weekend.
“People just don’t get me there. Here I can be sarcastic as hell and you understand it is in fun… there they look at me funny.”
Remember when that was me? And thus my communication style has changed so much. My preferred style. That sarcasm is still in there but lately it has been so dormant I am unable to access it.
Somber is a great description of where I am at. In between worlds, the one that is in so cal and really doesn’t exist as I remember it – constant noise is worse, helicopter patrols non stop, “social distancing”, no yoga, no coffee shop hang outs, beach is inundated with people who are ‘not from here’ seeking somewhere to ‘get out’, acrid smoke from a ship threatening to blow in the harbor. Yuck yuck. And here – where the common consensus is that I am a priss (little do they know where I come from) – because this world is so divided.
Because I enjoy great healthy food, beautiful environments, self-care, and taking full advantage of the opportunities that I have afforded myself (and worked my ass off to achieve) – that makes me the so cal princess. So be it. Check my tiara yo. ??
Perspective is so critical. ???
… or not. Have ton of work to catch up on. Wish I were walking the dogs in the back field. Kiki keeps yowling at me. I need a shower.
At least I have food this morning. Not the same as stealing eggs from under the chickens for breakfast though. LOL.
Being here is quiet. Different. Feels like a strange little vacation. I guess that is why it is so hard to get to work. But I have to.
Ugh. Nothing to say. Going to just stare at the Wysteria for a bit.
It’s been two months.
”How long are you going to be gone for.” My roommate had asked.
“I am planning for two weeks…but it is weird feeling like I am packing not really knowing how long I will be gone.”
Maybe it was PTSD from 911 when I left for Tahoe for one week, stayed for two and only returned long enough to gather my things, ship them to Tahoe and fly myself back.
It seemed easy enough to close my eyes and make that transition back then, though in retrospect I didn’t handle it 100% well. Do we ever?
Now I am heading back to Tahoe. Nothing really is boarded up in the towns up here. Everyone has a gun.
In my upscale area in SD – businesses are boarded up. I don’t want to see it. Dystopian landscapes are haunting.
I am worried the turkey eggs that I covertly snuck under the brooding chickens will hatch without me. I’d rather be here for that than anything going on in the city.
But also I am excited to see what is created here while I am gone. Everything is changing so fast and I am learning how to trust Claude as best I can to navigate his own landscape.
I need to pack now. More to come I assume. Going to check out some of the chicks down the street at the feed store before I leave. Maybe I will reserve some to raise when I return. Also – I need to research round pens.
Ps – Work said remote is permanent. Have decided then to sit tight and use the “extra” time to focus on creating and farm life. Better than making more $$ but also more stress and production pressure….