Surrender

On July 4th it felt as if I had a severe fever that broke. I woke in the middle of the night with a sigh and just knew. It sounds rather woo woo ish but that is the literal description of where I was…

The week prior my body (maybe my mind) was in full revolt. Couldn’t eat. Barely could sleep. Sympathetic nerve system was on hyperactive duty. It was beyond uncomfortable. And, to be honest, not the first of these episodes. Hopefully the last??

The funny thing about surrender is that it asks a bunch of questions and ends with making decisions. Adjusting subconsciously if the conscious mind is far too stuck and unwilling to mind the questions.

There is not any room for speculation for change in the future. It is coping with the acceptance of this is what is and the creativity of recognizing new paths to action that makes it livable.

So surrender is not subjugation in this context.

I may cook, but on my time and if you don’t eat…. well.

Setting a boundary with action and without words. You have decided to be a smoker. Then I don’t hang out with you because it is unpleasant for me. And that sucks but I cannot change you. And also you cannot change me. Still a battle of desire. For me one that is unavoidable.

That reminds me of my youth. The horses were the boundary, like my horses or get gone. (lol – da da ding ding ding ding ding ding???). Now it is my health. (??‍♀️???‍♂️)

That reminds me of listening to Bobbie across the way this weekend.
“People just don’t get me there. Here I can be sarcastic as hell and you understand it is in fun… there they look at me funny.”

Remember when that was me? And thus my communication style has changed so much. My preferred style. That sarcasm is still in there but lately it has been so dormant I am unable to access it.

Somber is a great description of where I am at. In between worlds, the one that is in so cal and really doesn’t exist as I remember it – constant noise is worse, helicopter patrols non stop, “social distancing”, no yoga, no coffee shop hang outs, beach is inundated with people who are ‘not from here’ seeking somewhere to ‘get out’, acrid smoke from a ship threatening to blow in the harbor. Yuck yuck. And here – where the common consensus is that I am a priss (little do they know where I come from) – because this world is so divided.

Because I enjoy great healthy food, beautiful environments, self-care, and taking full advantage of the opportunities that I have afforded myself (and worked my ass off to achieve) – that makes me the so cal princess. So be it. Check my tiara yo. ??

Perspective is so critical. ???